Crossfit Crush

Back in January of 2009, I weighed in at a Hefty 184lbs (and felt like the biggest failure in the world – that was the heaviest I had ever been in my life), and since then I have run, boxed, lifted weights, yoga’d, and eaten clean to get myself down about 30-ish lbs (so far) I know I am still meant to be smaller and healthier, and that this is far from over.

I have struggled with my weight and the acceptance of myself forever; I remember being in Weight Watchers with my mom when I was 8, I have lost and gained about 10 whole people in the last 20 odd years.  It’s sad.  I know calorie and points values for most things I like to eat, I know all about weight training (took the courses to be a trainer, even), I know about this stuff, all of it.  I have educated myself and struggled with making it click in my head in the right way.  I won’t get all into it right here, but suffice it to say, I have stopped fighting with myself and feeding shit to my body, and we’re on pretty good terms now.  I like myself naked, I am proud of what my body is capable of and we’re pretty happy together.

All that said, I’ve spent the last few months in a holding pattern, enjoying my big huge jeans, smaller breasts (mixed feelings about this), and my healthier, fitter self.  I have maintained my weight loss, but I haven’t been all that jazzed about going forward and my body has been content to stay here with me.  Maybe it was my last half, which felt like a complete disaster of a day, along with a disaster of the week following it on every possible level, or maybe it was the bottles and bottles of wine I felt compelled to enjoy under the umbrella of “Hell, it’s Summer!” but I haven’t been feeling it. I’ve been running out of obligation and not really having Fun.  I have been (mindfully) putting things into my cookie-hole that *might* not belong there.  I have been dreading finding the money to buy new clothes that fit.  Now I am finally feeling the love again.  Look out, budget, we’re gonna need to go shpping soon!

I am a big fan of Modern Matriarch‘s writing, and when she start blatting on and on about the Primal Blueprint and Crossfit with the rest of the Interweb, and writing stuff that really made sense to me on her new blog, I started to get a wee bit obsessive; I ordered the book and the cookbook (they finally arrived yesterday and I sqeeeee’d with glee!) so I could really educate myself on what it means to eat “Primal” and am actively searching out crossfit gyms I can afford to go to (with Man – I think it’s something we should do together, and he keeps telling me how sexy my athleticism is)  It’s all I think about.  I still have two more half marathons this year, but damn, if I ain’t trying to figure out a way to do all of it.  I get this way when something feels right to me; I jump right in with both feet enthusiastically.   

I’ll obviously report back on how it’s going (complete with some “During” photos I will get Man to take of me this weekend), but so far I’m just finding it hard to wrap my head around eating full-fat everything- I consciously bought Coffee Cream instead of half n’ half this weekend and it felt positively alien – it’s hard to undo years of programming. 

At the rate I’m going, I will have the book read by, oh, tomorrow (I *should* be unpacking from the Epic Move, but I told you, ob-sess-sive!) and am planning to begin the next phase of uncovering the smaller me next week.  While I am ready to go for a crossfit consultation, well, yesterday, I will likely refrain from that until after my next race in October so I can be in between races and hopefully a little more flush and able to afford it (it’s pricey!)

I remember a conversation with a friend of mine years ago when she said “you and I just aren’t meant to be 120 lbs, we just aren’t built that way” – at the time, I nodded my agreement, and let my own little Brain Trolls agree with mediocrity, but now, I disagree.  I no longer accept that.  I can be anything I want.  I can lose the padding on my hard, sexy muscles, I can weigh a lot less, I can dazzle myself with what I can do, I can go shopping and walk out with something in a single-digit size.   The sky is so NOT the limit with this.

Photo Tuesday – Bikini!

So we drove a ridiculously long way this weekend to attend a family reunion; my maternal grandmother’s side of the family.  These gatherings are held every 5 years, and as I had never been, I thought it would be a great way to make Man prove his love for me.

We left at 5am on Saturday (yes, that means we got up at 4.  Wonderful.) and arrived in time for lunch and to enjoy the lake.  Next is the part that makes me squeal: we arrived, put up the tent and all that, then I changed into my bikini and stayed in it for the remainder of the afternoon. We went out in the boat, and I wore it, we played with my niece and nephew, and I was still wearing it.  At no point did I tug and adjust it.  At no point did I awkwardly cover myself and wish I was more covered up.  No, I walked around quite comfortably happy in my own skin.  I still have work to do, but I felt at ease and confident and actually have for awhile.  It’s fabulous.

When I was a kid, I was always the one at the sidelines, wearing a t-shirt over my bathing suit, lest anyone look at my body or notice my breasts.  I always felt like I had to cover myself up.  I am sad to think of all the fun I missed out on for all those years.  If I had missed out on boating, diving into the lake (after threats from my nephew), and hanging out with my crazy family, it would have been a shame.  It felt great to walk around visiting and participate in the weekend – it was a huge step.  I was even disappointed that Sunday’s weather wasn’t as great, although I did still put the suit back on!

All the work I’ve done, the running, the careful eating, the learning about what I simply can and cannot feed my body to feel great, hasn’t been about losing weight necessarily, it’s been about getting to this place – respecting the skin I’m in and enjoying life.  As I walked around in my bathing suit without a second thought to bringing something to cover up with, it hit me, that I have succeeded.

So, Mr. Internet, here I am in my bikini glory:

Shhh..don’t tell anyone…

These are ridiculously healthy.  Truth be told, I made them, and didn’t try a single one as they came out of the oven.  I was nervous about them, the same way I’m nervous about anything *vegan* (sorry, but ICK).  I brought one in my lunch today, and I have to say, it was freaking fantastic!  Not too sweet, rather like a muffin mixed with a cookie, sort of like a muffin top,  and it doesn’t taste like it’s healthy.  Ok, well, maybe a little. 

I have been indoctrinated into the Clean Eating Life with Tosca Reno, and this is one of her recipes in her book The Eat Clean Diet Cookbook (go figure).  I refrained from making them for a long time because I was afraid I would eat them all, but now that I feel somewhat in control of what I am pushing into my cookie hole (and it ain’t cookies), I thought it was time.

Flax is reported to be some sort of magic food (and please do your own research here, I am not one for details and routinely forget the punch lines of jokes, so I might be missing some stuff).

UPDATED…I had to remove the recipe due to copyright issues – received a very polite email this morning.  Apparently we’re not allowed to share!  It’s not like I was claiming the recipe was MINE or anything.  Sheesh.  I was always told that good recipes are meant to be shared, but apparently Tosca wants you to just share your money with her and buy the book.

Saturday Afternoon Bullets

• I am waiting for the floors to dry, trying to convince the dog that he should stay on his pillow.
• It’s not working.  He’s trying to find an alternate route.
• Contemplating going to yoga today, but am actually having fun making the house look like we HAVEN’T just been robbed.
• It hasn’t been this clean since last fall.
• Really.
• One of my clients is likely putting her dog to sleep this afternoon, I’m thinking of that a lot as I scrub and vacuum.
• Vacuum is surprisingly hard to spell.
• We are going to a BBQ this evening at our friend Rob’s place.  He is a great cook.  I am already thinking of what I will indulge in and what I will not.  I have zero anxiety about this for the first time, like, ever.
• I weighed myself this morning, and found I have lost 10 lbs. 
• Since January.
• Slow, but steady, wins the race.
• I realized today that I haven’t had coffee in about 2 weeks.  Not sure if I should go out and buy a latte or just be okay with that.
• I don’t even miss it.
• I’m not sure I recognize myself.
• I am thankful for the clouds today, so it’s cooler for housework and I don’t feel guilty for the spending the day inside.
• It’s a good thing it’s not hotter; I am sweating like a whore in church and can’t imagine the mess I’d be if it were hotter.
• I am officially in love with bullety posts.  This is a fun way to write.  And I hope to read.  Lots of random information, not much space.  Yay.
• Floors are dry.
• Will now carry on with the rest of the house.  Will go for a run instead of yoga, me thinks.