Crossfit Crush

Back in January of 2009, I weighed in at a Hefty 184lbs (and felt like the biggest failure in the world – that was the heaviest I had ever been in my life), and since then I have run, boxed, lifted weights, yoga’d, and eaten clean to get myself down about 30-ish lbs (so far) I know I am still meant to be smaller and healthier, and that this is far from over.

I have struggled with my weight and the acceptance of myself forever; I remember being in Weight Watchers with my mom when I was 8, I have lost and gained about 10 whole people in the last 20 odd years.  It’s sad.  I know calorie and points values for most things I like to eat, I know all about weight training (took the courses to be a trainer, even), I know about this stuff, all of it.  I have educated myself and struggled with making it click in my head in the right way.  I won’t get all into it right here, but suffice it to say, I have stopped fighting with myself and feeding shit to my body, and we’re on pretty good terms now.  I like myself naked, I am proud of what my body is capable of and we’re pretty happy together.

All that said, I’ve spent the last few months in a holding pattern, enjoying my big huge jeans, smaller breasts (mixed feelings about this), and my healthier, fitter self.  I have maintained my weight loss, but I haven’t been all that jazzed about going forward and my body has been content to stay here with me.  Maybe it was my last half, which felt like a complete disaster of a day, along with a disaster of the week following it on every possible level, or maybe it was the bottles and bottles of wine I felt compelled to enjoy under the umbrella of “Hell, it’s Summer!” but I haven’t been feeling it. I’ve been running out of obligation and not really having Fun.  I have been (mindfully) putting things into my cookie-hole that *might* not belong there.  I have been dreading finding the money to buy new clothes that fit.  Now I am finally feeling the love again.  Look out, budget, we’re gonna need to go shpping soon!

I am a big fan of Modern Matriarch‘s writing, and when she start blatting on and on about the Primal Blueprint and Crossfit with the rest of the Interweb, and writing stuff that really made sense to me on her new blog, I started to get a wee bit obsessive; I ordered the book and the cookbook (they finally arrived yesterday and I sqeeeee’d with glee!) so I could really educate myself on what it means to eat “Primal” and am actively searching out crossfit gyms I can afford to go to (with Man – I think it’s something we should do together, and he keeps telling me how sexy my athleticism is)  It’s all I think about.  I still have two more half marathons this year, but damn, if I ain’t trying to figure out a way to do all of it.  I get this way when something feels right to me; I jump right in with both feet enthusiastically.   

I’ll obviously report back on how it’s going (complete with some “During” photos I will get Man to take of me this weekend), but so far I’m just finding it hard to wrap my head around eating full-fat everything- I consciously bought Coffee Cream instead of half n’ half this weekend and it felt positively alien – it’s hard to undo years of programming. 

At the rate I’m going, I will have the book read by, oh, tomorrow (I *should* be unpacking from the Epic Move, but I told you, ob-sess-sive!) and am planning to begin the next phase of uncovering the smaller me next week.  While I am ready to go for a crossfit consultation, well, yesterday, I will likely refrain from that until after my next race in October so I can be in between races and hopefully a little more flush and able to afford it (it’s pricey!)

I remember a conversation with a friend of mine years ago when she said “you and I just aren’t meant to be 120 lbs, we just aren’t built that way” – at the time, I nodded my agreement, and let my own little Brain Trolls agree with mediocrity, but now, I disagree.  I no longer accept that.  I can be anything I want.  I can lose the padding on my hard, sexy muscles, I can weigh a lot less, I can dazzle myself with what I can do, I can go shopping and walk out with something in a single-digit size.   The sky is so NOT the limit with this.

Reality Check

Where to even start…I have lost about 18 lbs since January of this year, 6 of these in the last month, and I would like to be able to shout it from the rooftops, but the truth is, I feel like a bit of a fraud right now.

I actually can’t tell you how exactly those pounds went away; it certainly wasn’t from exercise, because aside from 2 half-assed runs in the past 2 weeks, I’ve barely moved, insisting that dog walks and my commute to transit on foot each morning counts; it hasn’t been my diet, which has been lacking, non-existent, or closer to what a frat boy would grab on the way to a kegger than what someone who has come to appreciate and honor her body would consume.  Maybe it’s just that I’ve been happy and busy. 

I know I haven’t really felt like cooking a lot, haven’t felt like being in my kitchen (to give you an idea, I finally cleaned up this weekend and found a bag of veggies/lunch remnants on the counter in a reusable shopping bag, and everything in it had leaked, FUSING the bag to the countertop.  This explains the smell in the kitchen, the recent fruit fly infestation, what a lazy slob I am, how infrequently I have been making out with my kitchen.  I have gleefully consumed food put in front of me, but I have zero desire to create any of my own.

I dutifully buy the right foods every Sunday, so they can sit in the fridge and go bad.  I carry the water bottle but don’t drink from it.  I put on the sports bras, but only to kick around the house.

This is not how an athlete eats.  And yes, I have come to think of myself this way.  Not because I am a hard-core Iron Woman, but because if I think of myself as an athlete trapped in this body that still carries too much body fat, if I think of myself this way, then I am on the way to being this way.  It makes sense to me. 

This morning, it struck me as I walked up the stairs with my laundry, that I could feel my back JIGGLING.  This is not good.  I feel great, for the most part, about where I’m at and that all my pants can now be removed without undoing them, But (yes, with a capital B) this feels like a hollow victory.  Like I am now one of those skinny people who are in terrible shape.  I want to be a smaller person with a muscular, fit body. 

In a refocus exercise, I jotted down a few things this morning that will get me on my way:

• scheduled exercise: running (C25K) 3x per week, 30 Day Shred or Bikram’s Yoga 3x per week.  I can get in 30 minutes (see below).  I am not that busy.

• resume eating clean and like I am not on vacation – mindfully, several times per day, including protein and complex carbs at each meal etc, etc.  I know this Shit!
• find some races to run in the coming months – my ideal goal is to get to a really fast 5K, leading me to a faster 10K and eventually a really fast half marathon.  I was inspired/smacked in the head this morning when I learnt that a friend of mine had just run a half in her PB of 1:30.  A year ago today, I was sorely walking about my office after completing my 2nd half marathon the day before – today I couldn’t be farther from that.  Lighter than I was then, but farther in every other respect.  Time to get moving!

Five!

After nearly three months of Boot Camp, three times a week, (where I get worked, and pushed and pushed.  Where a part of me waits for the instructor to say, “Now, get on your mat, and collapse into a restful state, I will wake you in five minutes” (she never does), and I actually whimper and groan at the end of a set.  Where I also have been known to ask, “Are you KIDDING me??  Another SET?”) I have finally, mercilessly lost FIVE. POUNDS.  And I feel like they are actually gone. Halle-freakin’-luyah.  About time.

I am doing all the regular things, sweating, wishing the pounds off, squeezing into clothes that don’t fit, eating well, not drinking enough alcohol, drinking enough water, keeping track of every conceivable variable: food eaten, water drank, protein consumed, workouts logged etc…

It’s been really fun.  I just hope it’s all going to come off now, in an unstoppable fashion.

Boot Camp officially ends next week, so the running plan will take over – working toward a modest goal of a faster 10K.  I haven’t been running with too much regularity, so it may take a few weeks to get past the point where I am gargling my lungs.  I am excited to have my work cut out for me, and am looking forward to stepping into my inner hotness.  Ahhh.

Late

I made my manifesto, then promptly ignored myself by not writing for “Face the Music Monday”.  I was racing about all evening: snow shovelling, walking the pent-up dog, making dinner, getting last, last-minute groceries in anticipation of being holed up for a few days (bliss), decorated for the Hubster’s birthday today, prepared for today etc.  It was a busy night, and I did think about the post I knew I wouldn’t get to, really.

 

My weight: I don’t have much to say about this right now.  Over the past 18 months, I’ve lost weight, and I’ve gained a little, and right now I am just trying to do everything in moderation and enjoy myself.  I have made peace with the bumps, lumps and roundness that have returned, knowing full well that I will tackle it when I am ready. 

 

I bought Oprah’s magazine last week; I don’t usually buy it (this is a post for another day) but I was prompted by her admission to regaining 40lbs and her thoughts on it.  I can relate in many ways: I too, am sick and bloody tired of talking about my weight.  Enough already!  I feel like this is the year, but again, that is for next Monday’s post!

 

Suffice it to say, I am comfortable in my own skin for now, and it has taken me years to get to this point.  I’m not settling, I just know where I’m at right now, and what I have the energy to deal with.  I feel healthy and strong even though I can no longer run up my street with ease (although I assert that the cold weather is making me wheeze!) I have big plans for 2009, exciting ones, and I will share them soon.